Sunday, October 23, 2011


Yesterday was a rough day.

I slept-in and got a late start to the day.  We watched a little football and headed out the door to run some errands.  It took a half-hour to convince a certain three and a half year old it was really time to head out the door.

We headed to a store in hopes of using a gift certificate and a few coupons I had to purchase a pair of solid hiking shoes.  I don't shop at this store often and I now know why.  Kate and I stood and waited a half hour to get any kind of help.  Several store employees walked right past us and did not even stop to offer help.  After finally getting some help, I was informed that the shoe I was looking for was out on the floor the whole time we waited.  (I did see shoes boxed out but I did not see the shoe I was looking for.)  And as if I was asking way too much of this employee he went over to look for the shoe only to inform me that they did not have my size but he would be happy to help me with anything else I needed.  Really?  I was done.  We walked around the store to see if there was anything else I could use the gift certificate on and I did not find anything I was willing to fork over the cash for.  Needless to say we left empty handed and I lost about two hours of our afternoon we could have spent doing something much more meaningful.  (And I am honestly considering giving my gift certificate away... I am that disappointed in the store's customer service.)

Then on to Target.  Kate and I were on a mission to get some costume make-up to complete Kate's Halloween costume.  We wondered the store, looked and looked for the make-up, found it, and wondered some more.  We spent way more time in Target than need be.

Kate did a great job during these errands.  But the whole time she was begging to go to the library or the park.  It bothered me that afternoon seemed to be wasted away by errands that took way longer than needed and my poor sweet girl didn't get a lot of time to just be a kid.

(Side note: I know errands need to be run.  And I know I don't have any other choice than to take Kate with me.  I know I did not need to go looking for hiking shoes/boots.  And I know errands are part of life and Kate must except that.  But I carry a lot of guilt as a working momma. Kate spends 10 to 11 hours a day at day care/pre-school.  Our mornings and evenings together are short and filled with routines.  She does not always get my undivided attention during the week.  And that brings a lot of guilt.  I try my hardest to do something Kate centered every weekend-day.  For me it helps me cope with the guilt of the time I don't spend with her during the week.)

My day bothered me.  There was living-life-to-the-fullest moments.  There were no slow-down-and-enjoy moments.  It was just going-through-the-motion moments.

Then as I was getting to tuck an-already-sleeping-Kate into bed I read something and I broke.  I sat on the floor, cried, and had my own pity party.  I tweeted "I've been letting some things weigh me down lately.  I've also let it keep me from going out and enjoying life.  This must stop."

I can and can't say I know what is weighing me down.  Sometimes I single out one or two things but I don't think that is the big cause or the huge picture.  I don't think I fully know the big picture.  And sometimes I think it's a series of small things that have built and piled up in my heart and mind.  All I know is last night I truly felt broken, lost, and defeated as a human, as a mom, as a wife.

This morning I woke and I was determined to pull myself up by my bootstraps and start all over again.  I was determined to make today a better day.  I had several messages on my Twitter stream, a FB message from a aunt-in-love, sunshine, a sweet husband, and a beautiful little girl ready to get the day started.

As I was reading through my Google Reader I was struck by this post by Sarah Markley...

"Throw open the doors of your dusty and cluttered soul and let the neighborhood in. Don’t stuff things in the catch-all drawers and put on a plastic face. Sweep if you must, but if you do anything, stop being embarrassed of who you are.
Let the tears and the laughter and the worry and the heartache be worn as openly as the most comfortable-est jeans you own.
You are more important than worrying about putting on the best show for the people who won’t accept you anyway {because for them, the only thing worth anything is perfection that none of us will ever attain.}"

Oh she has spoke to my soul this morning.  In some ways I was doing this... I was putting on a show, trying to impress, and keeping the heartache tucked away deep inside.

Today is a new day.  I am beyond thankful that I can start all over again.  I am going to wear my emotions, stop hiding, stop trying to impress those who will never care, and just be me.  Those who love me will continue to love me and those who don't still probably won't.  Life is too short to worry about all of that...

Today there is some sunshine to enjoy,  library books to be read, ice cream to eat, leaves to collect, a three year old to laugh with, and life to live.

much love,
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