Thursday, June 28, 2012

at the moment

                                                                       Source: five-words.com.au via Teri Lynn on Pinterest


At the moment I am struggling.
I am grumpier than normal.
I have been harsh towards those who truly only have my best interest in their heart.
I am easily frustrated with those who don't seem to have any compassion. 
Ugh.
I am struggling and I don't like who I am.

Kate's recovery has been an emotional struggle for me.
I was prepared for her to be sad, to be in pain, and to not want to do anything.
I was not prepared for the amount of emotional energy it would take to take care of her.
I was not prepared to battle with her over taking medicine every four hours.
I was not truly emotionally prepared.
Because of this I feel like I have failed her.
And this breaks my heart.

I have struggled all my life with letting people down.
With failing people.
I have done it more times than I can count.
And I am sure I will do it again.
But I hate it.
I hate disappointing people.

I also hate for me ugly side to show.
But oh it's been showing.
And normally it shown to those who I trust and love the most.
Ugh.

I am struggling at times to remind myself to be thankful.
Thankful for my daughter.
Thankful for my husband.
Thankful for our families.
Thankful for those friends who have come by my side and never left.
Thankful for those who have prayed for Kate and are praying for our family affected by the fires.
Thankful for all that I have.

Last night was the first night I really slept in days.
Today is the first morning since Kate's surgery I woke early and have had quiet time.
Yesterday was the day that I realized I need quiet time to read, process, write, and think more than time to workout.
Yesterday I committed to myself a routine that would allow me that needed time.
Yesterday I told myself that it is okay not workout to a set routine, program, etc. every day.
Yesterday I told myself what is important is to take care of myself emotionally and physically.
Yesterday I told myself that I am active and I am strong.
Yesterday I reminded myself that I am working on making healthier eating choices.
Yesterday I realized that I was neglecting my emotional self.
And that has had ugly consequences.
That has left me struggling.

Thank you, friends.
Thank you for the grace and understanding that I don't deserve.
Thank you for coming along my side, keeping me in your thoughts, and covering my family in prayer.
Thank you.

I am struggling.
It's an ugly mess.
But I am seeking to find the beauty in this struggle.

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1 comment:

  1. I just read your post from a few days ago about the crazy journey that led to Kate's recent surgery - I had no idea what kind of things you all have gone through! I pray that you do find beauty in this struggle, and that Kate will have a very good recovery!

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